At the ripe age of 27, I was told by a close family member of mine they believed I had ADHD and ASD. My immediate reaction was complete denial and rejection to the idea and honestly, I felt hurt.

For most of my upbringing I was made to feel different. Like something was wrong with me. I could never act or behaviour in a way that made my family accept me. Even as a younger child I was left at home alone because I did’nt behave in ways that my father approved of. My mother also used to lock me outside of the outside when she felt like I was too much.

So over years of this treatment from my close ones, I always had this feeling of something is wrong with me and I’m not normal so how can I become more normal. I now know the term ‘masking’ and I believe this is what I have gotten oh so good at…. This is the what masking is, if you are not aware: Masking is essentially not being “yourself” to fit in with society. It can involve many things, such as suppressing intense interests, stimming, copying non-verbal behaviours and developing social mechanisms to fit into various social situations

So when this family member loving came to me with this believe, it hurt. It took me 6 months to come to terms with the fact I do identify with many of the symptoms of both those disorders on the spectrum.

I then decided to go for assessment and months later I was diagnosed with ADHD first and then a few months after that ASD. It was a big process. I also tried medications during that time, but I wont get too much into that here today.

It is very hard to accept these disorder, ADHD is a little easier as so many people are finally getting diagnosed and its a little more accepted but the ASD is different, there is a lot of stigma and judgement. Many people get awkward when I mention that I am and some people even denial it and say they dont think I am at all. Though I understand how they feel, because I used to feel that way too. It used to make me feel awkward to hear and talk about (a lot to do with my upbringing and the people I grew up around).

The thing I have learnt since my diagnosis is that the spectrum is so large and everyone can show their disorder in different ways. I’ve also learnt that my disorder is also a super power is some ways. Especially in the work I do as a therapist. I have now connected with other ASD therapist and most of them are INCREDIBLE in what they do. ASD humans have VERY sensitive nervous systems, which is obviously so hard for so many of us to deal with, but what this also means is we can understand others, empathise and have be far more compassionate than a neurotypical human.

This may surprise people to hear this as public perceptions dictate that autistic and empathetic shouldn’t go together. Though those who know me well, though that I am an outwardly emotional person; I may cry when I see someone crying, make eye contact with most people; absorb everyone’s emotions in group settings; be able feel when someone isn’t okay and be able to support them (even though no one else noticed). This is why I was is MASSIVE denial when someone first mentioned they though I may be ASD. This is also why it is so important for those of us diagnosed to start to be more open, honest and authentic, so that others can understand themselves better and get the help they need if they are on the spectrum.

According to the Autistic Self Advocacy Network (ASAN), “The idea that autistic people lack empathy is a damaging stereotype that isn’t supported by research. Self-advocates have consistently said that we have different communication styles from others, not a lack of empathy.”

Though I have experimented with different medications for ASD and ADHD since my diagnosis, most of the success I have had has been to learn more about my nervous system and how being neurodivergent affects me. Then following that, another aspect has been restructuring my lifestyle and bringing in SOOOO much more compassion into certain behaviours I used to be so hard on myself for. I also learnt that when I might be feeling moody, emotional, angry, its actually over stimulation and my body is giving me symptoms and signs to SLOW down. remove stimulation and tend to the nervous system. I learnt and experimented with what my nervous system responds to the best.

I also started doing more somatic therapy and bottom up therapy (I specialism and work with clients on this but I personally was only seeing someone every couple of weeks/once a month for my own body and mind), now I see someone at least fortnightly and this helps me to really get back into my body. Being neurodivergent can mean, the disconnection between our mind and body is a little more difficult get a handle on. So spending more time in connection to the body, feeling and expressing emotions and slowness has been lifechanging.

I will only continue to grow my knowledge of how to accept myself, mask less, grow compassion and be more and more authentic along the way and I will share and help those how need it always.

Much love, and until next time,

Krissy xoxox