Did you grow up feeling like you had to be everything to everyone? Or nothing you ever did was good enough?

Maybe you found it hard to say “no,” or you felt responsible for other people’s emotions. 

If this sounds familiar, you’re not alone. Many of us who experienced difficult or unhealthy childhoods have a complicated relationship with boundaries. 

But here’s the truth: boundaries aren’t about pushing people away—they’re about honoring yourself.

Becoming a “Boundaries Queen Or King” is not only possible; it’s crucial for your mental, emotional, and even physical health. It’s time to reclaim your voice, stop overextending yourself, and build relationships that nourish you.

Why Boundaries are Harder for Those Who Had Difficult Childhoods

If you grew up in an environment where your needs were neglected or even ridiculed, it’s likely that you never learned what healthy boundaries look like. Research shows that children raised in chaotic, neglectful, or over-controlling homes often struggle to set limits as adults. These early experiences can create a “fawn” response—a trauma response where we seek to please others as a way to avoid conflict or rejection.

But living in “people-pleaser” mode is exhausting. It drains your emotional reserves, leaving you anxious, stressed, and disconnected from your true needs. The good news? 

Boundaries can change all of that.

What Does It Mean to Be a Boundaries Queen/King?

A “Boundaries Queen/King” is someone who can communicate their needs clearly, without feeling guilty or ashamed. You values yourself enough to prioritise your well-being and knows that setting boundaries is not selfish—it’s an act of self-love and protection. Here’s how you can start becoming him or her:

1. Understand Why Boundaries Matter

Healthy boundaries are essential for maintaining emotional balance. According to the American Psychological Association, boundaries help individuals manage stress, avoid burnout, and foster healthier relationships. They give you control over your time and energy, which is key to your mental and physical well-being.

2. Recognise Where Your Boundary Struggles Come From

Understanding the root of your boundary issues is the first step. Many people who had difficult childhoods often take on roles of caregiver, fixer, or mediator—roles they didn’t ask for. These patterns can carry into adulthood, making it hard to say “no” without feeling like you’re letting someone down. But it’s time to shift that perspective.

3. Learn How to Say No (and Feel Good About It)

Saying “no” can feel uncomfortable, especially if you’re used to putting others first. But did you know that constantly saying “yes” when you want to say “no” actually increases stress and lowers self-esteem? Studies show that those who maintain weak boundaries are more likely to experience burnout, anxiety, and even depression. Learning how to say “no” is not just a form of self-care—it’s a form of self-preservation.

4. Ditch the Guilt

One of the biggest hurdles to setting boundaries is the guilt that comes afterward. But guilt is often a reflection of old conditioning from childhood—when you were taught that other people’s needs should always come before your own. Neuroscientific research shows that this guilt is often tied to early relational trauma, which wires the brain to avoid conflict at all costs. 

5. Create Space for Healthier Relationships

When you set clear boundaries, you don’t just protect your energy—you create space for more meaningful relationships. There is a saying that says: THE ONLY PEOPLE WHO WILL BE UPSET BY YOUR BOUNDARIES IS THOSE THAT BENEFIT FROM YOU NOT HAVING THEM! (and ohhh how true this is). By defining what’s acceptable and what’s not, you set a standard of respect (and this respect will take some time), which encourages others to treat you with kindness and consideration. Over time, you’ll notice that your relationships improve because they’re built on mutual respect rather than silent resentment.

6. Trauma Work & Visualisation

Practice is so damn important for boundaries. It takes time to form new habits. Though another important thing to consider is SAFETY in your nervous system. Trauma is an important factor to consider here. If your body in a trauma cycle and not able to feel safe, you can have all the knowledge of boundaries, but it will feel almost impossible to put them into place. Dive into a session pack of somatic therapy, IFS or EMDR and learn to process trauma and emotions so that you can feel safe in your body. Another great tool is to practice setting boundaries through visualisation (this is science guys not just some woo woo stuff = visualisation is evidence based). Try with a professional at first if you arent confident in visualisation xx 

Recap and Takeaways:

• Learn how to identify where your boundaries need work
• Learn tools for assertive communication express your needs confidently
• Understand why and how boundaries improve mental health
• Dive into trauma work and visualisation to address the root of weak boundaries and sense of self 

It’s time to break free from the patterns of your past and embrace a future where you are in control.

I’d love to discuss how these insights apply to the work I do with my clients and how I can help you. Reach out or book in for a connection call (link below = use code: FREECONNECT to make it complimentary – the code changes over time so DM me on insta @krissykareshealth for updated code) x